Preventing History from Repeating Itself in Relationships
I got a deck of special relationship cards recently. I nonchalantly drew a card yesterday, and the question reads:
“What relationship patterns are you scared of repeating?”
Oh my gosh, where do I begin?! Haha. There are SO many. I really have not had a genuinely healthy romantic relationship with a man before. All attempts were met with me slipping and sliding on my character defects and the men I attracted were genuinely, no offense to them—-they were losers who were emotionally unavailable and sick people. They were users, manipulators and abusers. Not good choices., to say the least
The first pattern to break is to attract a different kind of man than in the past. One who is healthy (in mind, body, & spirit). A man who knows himself well and is a man of God. Someone creative always working on himself and driven to bring more light and love into this world. Someone who has a life outside of our relationship too. Someone who is sensual and fun; who has similar values, such as integrity, connection, community, transparency, honesty and loyalty. A real fhonest to God, true friend. Someone I can goof around with and hang out. A good storyteller. Someone who is financially successful, like me. Emotionally available and who has dignity, who is kind and loving.
That is what I want.
What do I not want to repeat?
Confusing sex with love. Falling in love at the drop of the hat and jumping into bed too early, which blinds me to any red flags that pop up.
Being the rescue ranger, saver, controlling, co-=dependent. Exerting great amounts of energy to change and rescue my partners. To save these sick men from themselves. To always be manipulating and finding ways to make them change. To cause them to see the light. I want to change this handicap of not seeing a person for where they are at and not believing them what they tell me about themselves. If someone tells you something negative about themselves or share qualities about themselves, generally BELIEVE them. Don’t ignore it and get in a fantasy world about who you want them to be.
Emotionally intelligent arguments instead of abusive ones. Crystal clear communication, rather than passive aggressiveness, dishonest, or any other forms of manipulation in style.
Someone trustworthy. To break the pattern of falling in love with idiots. Total losers. I deserve so much better than this. It was a reflection of how I felt about myself at the time. Now, I have grown a LOT and feel high self-esteem most of the time and confidence, self-love , compassion and acceptance. I’m starting to attract high caliber sand similar people as friends who share the same qualities. Like attracts like.
Spending exorbitant amounts of money on the other person and it not being equal. It has been a give and take, overall.
Changing this: me chasing after unemotiuonally unavailable men and giving, giving, giving; to the point of abandoning myself. Of neglecting myself. Of letting go of self-care. Like a junkie.
Screw this too.: crappy boundaries! I am here and they are there. No more enmeshment. No mas. Done with that! Goodbye forever! Amen.
I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. I had to cool my jets and get healthy from sex and love addiction first. Nothing is perfect. I have been clean, however, from compulsive sexual behavior for over a decade. God has done a lot of healing in these two areas in my life, repaired my broken heart, my sexuality (and thank you OSHO).
I am now ready to start dating healthy men. I’m going to take things real slow. I’m going to approach men with curiosity and watch the wonderful unfolding of getting to know each other, outside of between the sheets…first.
What relationship patterns are YOU scared of repeating? Leave a short or long comment below. I’d really like to know. What do you really want?
