Tuning out Perfectionism
OMG— After work, my energy was so low. I was in the midst of PMDD (think pre-menstrual syndrome, but a trillion times worst) with the hot hormonal mess of pre-menopause.
After work, I considered not going to the gym, even though it was sharpie-d into my calendar. I ended up there and signed in. I felt extreme physical exhaustion, so I sat down in a chair near the door and drank water, instead of immediately heading for the locker room.
I sat there a long time debating whether or not to go swimming. I was wondering if this was resistance. It would be silly not to go, since I was here, right? MY ego told me that I MUST swim, otherwise I would be letting myself down. This message was strong in my thoughts, but I didn’t react to it (like I have many many times before). I just sat there and listened to myself—to my thoughts, to my emotions and to my body. This was not resistance. Underneath my ego’s B.S., I wanted to swim if I were up for it, but I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. I didn’t have the strength to even put on my swimsuit. So, after half an hour, I left.
The minute I walked out the door, it was a challenge not to beat myself up. Because I did not follow my “perfectly” planned-out plans , I catastrophized that I had completely destroyed my exercise goals and that I might as well give up.
Success to my inner perfectionist, meant that I must completely nail every goal on the head verbatim and show up to everything I planned—no matter what. No flexibility. No room for changes. End of story.
But life’s reality is: shit happens.
This time, I allowed myself to be flexible. I took the time to listen to myself and honor where I was at. Then I altered my plans to take care of myself. I needed to relax and pamper and chill instead of swim 40 laps. Not following through with my original plans WAS taking care of myself. In doing this, I WAS a SUCCESS.
I got off the bus at the park, a few blocks from my house. The cool air felt good along with little rain drops, but my eyes were closing as I walked deliriously and in slow motion home. At that point, I knew for certain, that I had made the right decision.
My day wasn’t PERFECT –or the way I wanted it, but it was a PERFECT opportunity (no pun intended) to embrace imperfections and meet myself where I was in the present. And that’s exactly what I did, so I’ll definitely count this as a VICTORY.